Who Shot Principal Li?
by Danny Bronstein
Summary: When Principal Li's latest changes to the school piss everyone off, someone's looking for payback.
1. Default Chapter Title

"Who Shot Principal Li? Part 1"by Danny Bronsteintrotsky@loop.com 

MONDAY 

The student body and faculty of Lawndale High was gathered in the auditorium for a surprise assembly. Up on stage were Principal Angela Li and a rather large object covered by a big white sheet. "This is a proud, proud day for Laaaaaawndale High," said Principal Li. "As of today, we are the first high school in the country to have on display..." The crowd gasped and murmured when Principal Li pulled back the white sheet to reveal the contraption beneath it. "... Our very own electric chair! This electric chair is an exact duplicate of the one in Huntsville, Texas, that Karla Faye Tucker was executed in. It will be displayed here as a stern reminder of what awaits all of you, should you cut a class, fail to use a #2 pencil, or otherwise start down the road to a squandered, felonious life." The crowd murmured angrily amongst themselves. Obviously they were not pleased at this new addition to their school. "Dismissed, everyone," said Principal Li. "All students who are not in their classes within the next ten minutes will receive a week's detention." Another example of tough love from the principal. Everyone was used to it. Scary thing was, she wasn't kidding. The crowd dispersed, murmuring amongst themselves. Left looking at the electric chair were Daria Morgendorffer, Jane Lane and Jodie Landon. "An electric chair. Wow," said Jane. "You know," said Jodie, "I'm not usually the one to be saying this, but this time I really think she's gone too far." "You think?" said Daria, in her usual sarcastic deadpan. 

Later that day, Principal Li was in her office when the school's accountant, Tom Griffin, entered. He looked upset. "Tom! Come in, come in!" said the principal. "Good afternoon," said Tom. He noticed something that was not in the office the last time he came in to discuss the school's budget: a giant fireplace. "Like my fireplace? I just had it installed," said Principal Li. "It's very nice Ms. Li," said Tom. "Hey, get a load of this," said the principal, pointing a remote control at the fireplace and pushing a button. The fire flamed up and roared. "It's... impressive," said Tom. Oh brother, he thought. How much did this monstrosity cost her? "Anyway, the reason I came in is because I've been looking over the school's financial report, and I have to say I'm very concerned with what I'm seeing." "Are we in trouble?" said Principal Li, abruptly shutting a drawer full of money. "To put it lightly. You see, during the course of the year you seem to have been investing extensively in security." He wasn't kidding. The school's security procedures included cameras everywhere, a huge staff of security guards who did frequent spot locker checks with dobermans, and metal detectors in every single doorway and hidden in some of the walls. Over 80% of the school's operating budget was spent on security. "Yes, well, just making sure the students stay away from the many things that will lead them down a dangerous path. You know, guns, drugs, condoms..." "The problem, Ms. Li, is that you recently invested in an... electric chair?" said Tom, looking over his report. "My pride and joy," said the principal. "Are you aware that the money you spent on the electric chair has left very little in the school budget?" said Tom. "At the moment, I don't see how you can afford a whole lot of... anything." "Well," said Principal Li. "Time for another mandatory fund raiser, eh?" "Oh, I don't know if that will help much. In your current financial situation I'm afraid the safest bet will be to start cutting back on some things." "Like what?" "How about all those security measures? No offense, Ms. Li, but I do think you're overdoing it just a wee tiny bit." "Are you kidding?" said Principal Li . "Well, what else do you propose?" 

TUESDAY 

The next day, a letter was handed out to everyone at Lawndale High. It addressed a number of changes at the school. 

The first change was the cancellation of almost all the clubs at the school. Timothy O'Neill was shocked to learn that there would be no more Drama Club. Janet Barch cried bloody murder when she found out there would be no more Women's Self Defense Club. And Stacy Nibblett hyperventilated and almost passed out when she heard about the cancellation of the Fashion Club. Tiffany Woo, Sandra "Sandi" Griffin and Quinn Morgendorffer didn't take it too well either, as they now had to fund their "research" out of their own back pockets, and they knew that their parents' charge cards would only take them so far. On top of that, the absence of that club gave them nothing that the "less popular" students could strive for. They were now on the same level as everybody else. Almost. The second change was the removal of a number of the elective classes, including Art, which put Claire Defoe out of a job. The third change was that there would no longer be a yearbook. This bummed out almost everyone, especially Anthony DeMartino, who ran the yearbook committee. The person who was probably the most upset, though, was Ted DeWitt-Clinton, the yearbook editor, who responded by saying that it... what's that word? Sucks. Lastly, there would no longer be a school bus for sports events, so players and cheerleaders would have to commute to events. This horrified Michael Jordan "Mack" Mackenzie, who knew that he would most likely have to carpool with Kevin Thompson, who would either be doing the nasty with Brittany Taylor in the backseat, or making lame wisecracks and singing Chumbawamba tunes. 

Overall, the changes put a number of people in a bad mood. 

Later that day, Jane and Daria were eating lunch. Jane was really pissed off that there was no longer an art class, as art was the one subject she was good at. Daria, an A student at everything who was involved in no clubs or athletic activities, was more angry at the principal overall. Daria and Jane were joined by Jodie, who didn't seem quite herself. "Jodie! What are you doing here?" said Jane. "Don't you have... oh, that's right!" It suddenly dawned on Jane that Jodie's usual French Club meeting on Tuesdays was no more. "All my clubs have been cancelled," said Jodie. "I have nothing to do." "Hey, welcome to our life," said Daria. "Yeah, join the club," said Jane, covering her mouth after uttering the ironic expression. "I feel weird," said Jodie, in a zombielike trance. "What do you call it when you have nothing to do?" "Umm... Free time?" said Daria. "Free... time," said Jodie, pronouncing the words as if they were foreign to her. "I don't like this free... time. It feels so... empty." "Oh, it's not so bad," said Daria. "Hey, you get more time to watch TV." "TV??" screamed Jodie. "I am looking at a college application filled with blank spaces, and you're talking to me about TV?? What kind of sadistic people are you??" Everyone turned to stare at Jodie. "Calm down, Jodie," said Daria. "Hey, why don't you come over to my house with Jane after school? You'll feel a lot better." "Okay," said Jodie, meekly. After school, Jodie came to Daria's house, where Daria introduced Jodie to her Playstation. "What is this thing?" said Jodie. "It's a video game," said Daria. "You do know what a video game is, right?" "Oh, yeah. My sister Rachel plays these all the time." "Here, play this. It's fun," said Daria. Jodie was introduced to some game where she played an animal with a sharp nose who ran around collecting gems. She didn't quite get into it at first. "Yay, wee, fun," she said, sarcastically. Ten minutes later she was hooked and wouldn't put down the controller. "I think she's gonna be here for a while," said Jane."Wanna go get some pizza?" "I'm with you," said Daria. 

"That's terrible!" said Helen Morgendorffer, at the dinner table that night. "How could Principal Li do that?" "Well, you know the principal," said Daria. "Always trying to run the school like a prison." "I'm going to get Marianne to have a talk with her. This seems like grounds for a whopping lawsuit." "Don't know if it'll help," said Daria. "All the school's money's already spent." Quinn entered the dining room. "Mom, can I have some money to buy this cute jacket that I really want?" "Quinn, didn't I give you money for clothes two days ago?" said her mom. "But Mo-oom, if you had only seen this jacket at Cashman's, you'd understand! Besides, I, uh, need it for research for the Club." "What club?" said Helen. "I thought there is no longer a Fashion Club at the school." "What are you talking about? Of COURSE there's a Fashion Club!" Then Quinn noticed Daria. "Oh my God, you told them, didn't you?" "Should have agreed to my fee," said Daria. "Dad," said Quinn, causing Jake to look up from his paper. "Hmm?" he said. "Can I have some money for a jacket?" "Oh, sure, honey," he said, giving her a wad of cash. "Thanks," Quinn said, and ran off. Jake then noticed Helen glaring at him. "What?" he said, meekly. "Do you listen to ANYTHING we talk about?" said Helen. "Sure, all the time, you know I do!" he said, showing as little fear as possible, then went back to his paper. "Hey, did you know the high school installed an electric chair? Imagine that!" "Give me that!" said Helen, grabbing Jake's paper and crumpling it up . "Aw, man!" said Jake. After that everyone was silent, allowing the video game noises to be heard from above. "Dear, is that Landon girl still up there?" said Helen to Daria. 

WEDNESDAY 

Daria awoke bright and early for school. As she stepped out of bed, she noticed that her Play Station was still on, and Jodie was asleep at the foot of the bed, still holding the controller. "Wake up, Jodie," said Daria, nudging her. "Hmm?" said Jodie. "Time for school." "Oh, but I have only one level to go! Did I at least save my game?" "Don't worry about it, Jodie. Here, you can borrow my Game Boy." "What's a Game Boy?" "It's a portable video game system." "AWESOME!" 

The four members of the disbanded Fashion Club stood in front of the electric chair at the entrance to the school, eyeing the monstrosity. "That thing is SO ugly! I'll bet it doesn't even work!" said Quinn. Of course, Quinn could not have said that at a worse time, for at that moment Ms. Li had entered the secret room behind her office to take a peek at what the security cameras were showing. There were over a hundred security cameras mounted throughout the school, and this room was where all the screens were. It was creepier than in the movie "Sliver." Naturally, Quinn was caught on tape. Quinn was promptly summoned to the Principal's office. "So, you doubt the power of the electric chair, eh?" said Principal Li. "Well, I... I was just saying what I thought. I didn't think I'd get in trouble for it." "Saying what you thought? What do you think gives you the right to spout your... radical rhetoric around campus? I'm trying to run a safe school, and here you go 'saying what you think'? "Geez, I'm sorry, Ms. Li." "You're lucky I'm in a good mood today, Ms. Morgendorffer. However, to set an example to all the other students, I shall have to suspend you for three days." "What??" "You heard me. Dismissed." Quinn stepped out of the office sullenly and was met outside by Joey, Jeffy and Jamie. "What happened, Quinn?" said Joey . "Did you get in trouble?" said Jeffy. "If you want me to hurt her I will," said Jamie. "No, that's all right," said Quinn. "She just suspended me for three days." "WHAT??" they said in unison. "I'm going home. I'll see you guys on Monday," Quinn said, and walked away. Joey, Jeffy and Jamie stood gaping in horror. A whole week without Quinn? It was almost too much to bear. 

Back in the office, Principal Li sat staring at the flames in her new fireplace. "So, they think the electric chair is just a fake. Well I'll show them. I'll show them all!" She pushed the remote control button, and the flames roared. 

THURSDAY 

The students and faculty were gathered in the auditorium for another surprise assembly, where the electric chair was on display again. Principal Li was up on the stage with it. "There has been some doubt as to whether or not this electric chair is real," she said. "Therefore, I have called you all in here for a live demonstration. Since there were no student volunteers and various laws prevent me from forcing any of the students to participate, Ms. Barch lent me one of her guinea pigs from the lab." "A male one, of course," said Ms. Barch. Ms. Li took the guinea pig out of its cage. "This is Hank. Hank here will be placed in the electric chair, where he will be executed before your eyes." "This is all Quinn's fault," said Sandi. "At least we get out of class," said Tiffany. "Yeah," said Stacy. Sandi glared at them. Hank the guinea pig was strapped into the chair and the metal death cap was placed on his head. Principal Li went over to the switch and put on the black executioner's robe. "Ready, everyone? Say goodbye to Hank!" She pulled the switch. The chair was supposed to fry the guinea pig with two thousand volts of electricity, but instead sparks flew out of the back of the chair. The chair short circuited and blew a fuse, and the entire auditorium went dark, as did the entire school. In fact, all power throughout the town was lost. Ironically, Hank came out of the experiment unscathed. 

At the time the power outage occurred, Brittany was in the bathroom applying mascara. "Owww!" she screamed as the bathroom went pitch-black. 

Helen was handling a very important call in her office when her phone abruptly went dead. "What the hell?" she said. Her brief panic was alleviated when her cell phone rang, but her assistant, Marianne, was less fortunate, as her computer shut down before she could finish entering the data for Helen's biggest case. 

Jake was on the phone in his office closing a business deal with a very important client, the nation's #3 snack food company, also on the phone. The phone went dead on him, and he panicked. He didn't have a cell phone on him, and he didn't know when or if he'd hear from this client again, or what he'd do if he didn't land the deal. A blood vessel popped in his eye as he screamed. 

Trent Lane and Jesse Moreno were driving the Tank on Dega Street, with a drum set, four electric guitars, and two large amps in the back. Suddenly, all the traffic lights shut themselves off. In the following confusion, the Tank came to a crossing and a car rammed it from behind. Trent and Jesse heard the dreaded sound of drums, cymbals, amps and guitars crashing all over each other. 

In Charles "Upchuck" Ruttheimer's room, the VCR was timer-recording "Deep-Throat: The Totally Uncensored Director's Cut," which Upchuck had not seen because it was not available on video and was only showing once on Pay Cable TV. The VCR turned off five minutes into the movie. 

The crowd in the pitch-black auditorium was outraged. Later on, the faculty and students spread the word of an emergency PTA meeting to be had at 6 PM that day. Principal Li was not invited. 

After school, Daria and Jane walked home through the main street. With the power outage going on, all the stores around them were being looted. "Well, it's been an interesting week," said Jane. "Yep," said Daria. "I don't think any other high school has had an electric chair be the cause of complete and total anarchy during the course of four days." "It's probably only gonna get worse as long as Li remains there. I don't think anything short of murder will stop her." "Someone SHOULD kill her," said Daria. "Yeah, but who? You?" "Well, it's tempting, but... Nah, I don't think I'm the killing type." "Hey, Daria, Jane! Join in! It's fun!" Jodie yelled, running by with a Nintendo 64. 

"I get knocked down, but I get up again, ain't nobody gonna keep me down!" sang Kevin, putting on his best British accent. "Will you shut up? I can't take this anymore!" yelled Mack, who was driving. "Jeez, sorry, Mack Daddy." "And quit calling me that! Don't you have anything else to do?" "Oh, Kevvie! Wanna come back here with me?" Brittany said, from the backseat. She was wearing a patch over her left eye. "Ugh! No! Get away from me, you freak!" said Kevin. "But honey, the doctor said it was only temporary!" "I don't care!" At that moment Mack was wishing Kevin would quit being so shallow and just get into the backseat, when Jodie jumped into the back next to Brittany. She was panting and high on adrenaline. "Drive," she said. "Hurry!" 

A police officer came into Helen's office. "I'm looking for Marianne Jacobs," he said. "I'm Marianne Jacobs," said Marianne. "Miss Jacobs, I have some bad news. At about 2:00 today, when the power went out, your mother was in the shower. She slipped and broke her neck." "Is she dead?" "I'm afraid so." "Oh my God!" Just then Helen entered. "Marianne, I just found out about a PTA meeting to discuss what's to be done about the principal. Would you mind going?" "I'm sorry, Mrs. Morgendorffer. I'm afraid I can't." "Please, Marianne? It's really important." "I can't. Why don't you go?" "Me?? To a PTA meeting?" "I'm really sorry, Mrs. Morgendorffer," Marianne said, and left with the police officer. "All right," said Helen to herself. "I don't know what you did this time, Li, but you're gonna pay!" 

Nearing the Lawndale city limits a couple of hours later was a large van that said "Jimbo and Ned's Traveling Gun Show." "Boy, we sure made a killing in Highland, didn't we, Ned?" said Jimbo Kearns, who was driving. "Mmmyep," said Ned, talking through his artificial voice box. "Those people sure were willing to buy guns." "Where to next?" "I believe it's the town of Lawndale." "Okie dokie," said Jimbo, a few minutes later after they were in town. "Where should we set up?" "I don't know." "Hey, how about that high school? Teenagers are always willing to buy guns and ammo!" "Sounds like a plan." As soon as Jimbo and Ned set up near Lawndale High, they heard a whole crowd of people running toward them, waving money. "Holy crap!" said Jimbo. "Looks like we hit the jackpot, Ned!" 

At 6 PM, the students, faculty and their parents (and whoever else cared to show up) were all gathered in the auditorium. The place was illuminated everywhere by emergency candles. Mr. O'Neill came up to the podium. "Well, I suppose we all know why we're here," he said. "Ever since that electric chair was installed, we've had a whole series of problems." "Damn straight!" someone yelled. "I think the first thing we should do is vent out our anger. Let's all say how we feel we've been wronged. I'll start. Thanks to the loss of funding, the school's been robbed of a drama club." "The school's been robbed of a women's self-defense club!" yelled Mrs. Barch. "The school's been robbed of a yearbook!" yelled Ted. "Yeah!" said Mr. DeMartino. "The school's been robbed of my Fashion Club!" yelled Sandi and Quinn in unison, then glared at each other. "We've been robbed of her!" yelled Joey, Jeffy and Jamie, pointing to Quinn. Sandi glared at them. "The football team's been robbed of a bus!" yelled Mack. "It's because of Ms. Li that this happened to me!" yelled Brittany, pointing to her eye patch. "It's because of Ms. Li that Brittany's ugly!" yelled Kevin. Brittany slapped him. "Oww!" he said. "I've been robbed of a job!" yelled Ms. Defoe. "I've been robbed of an art class!" yelled Jane. "Thanks to the blackout she caused, our van got into an accident!" yelled Jesse. "And all our instruments got damaged!" yelled Trent. "I was robbed of a once-in-a-lifetime movie!" yelled Upchuck. "I lost an important client when the power went out!" yelled Jake. "My entire office went haywire!" yelled Helen. "I've been robbed of extracurricular activities!" said Jodie. "Since Tuesday I've been spending all my free time playing video games and.." she shuddered as she said this: "..writing Internet fan fiction!" "Good lord!" said Mack. Everyone else started yelling out their complaints. Daria remained expressionless. "Well," said Mr. O'Neill, motioning for everyone to quiet down. "That said, I think we should all sign a petition for the Board of Education to fire Principal Angela Li." "The hell with a petition!" yelled Mr. DeMartino. "I say we lynch her!" yelled Mack. "Lynch the bitch!" yelled Mrs. Barch. Everyone except Daria started chanting, "Lynch! Lynch! Lynch! Lynch! Lynch!" Just then Principal Li stormed in. "So, I see we are all planning some sort of mutiny." "Ms. Li! How did you know we were here?" said Mr. O'Neill. "You're forgetting the backup generator I installed. All the security cameras are still operational." Everyone looked at the security camera mounted in a corner and groaned. "After all I've done for this school, I can't believe you could betray me like this!" "After all you've done??" said Ms. Defoe. "All you've done is bring us misery!" "You're nothing but a tyrannical bitch!" said Helen. "Well," said Ms. Li. "You're lucky I'm in a good mood, so I'll let you all off with a warning. You can't get me fired, because I have WAY too many connections with the Board of Education. And even if you do, they'll just hook me up with a position in another school. A school where there are no dangerous rebels wandering the halls. Where I will rule like no other principal has ruled before! You can't stop me, people. I am Angela Li, disciplinarian extraordinaire!" Then she spotted Andrea Hecuba, the goth girl. "What the hell are you wearing, young lady? We don't allow those depressing clothes on campus! Put something else on!" With that, she left. Everyone angrily got up out of their seats and headed toward the doors. "This certainly went well," said Jane to Daria. "Yep," said Daria. They got up out of their seats. "I'll see you later," said Daria. "Where are you going?" "Home." 

In the faculty parking lot, Principal Li was about to open her car door when she heard footsteps. She turned around and saw a figure, but it was dark and she couldn't recognize the face. "Who are you?" she said. "What the hell do you want?" Before Ms. Li could shine a flashlight on the figure, it pulled out a gun and shot her in the chest, then ran off. "Aaagh!" Principal Li said, and collapsed face-down on the ground. Everyone heard the gunshot. Just then the electricity came back on in the town, and the lights turned on over the parking lot. "Oh my God!" said Mr. O'Neill. "The principal's been shot!" Everyone gathered around her body. "Who could have done this?" said Brittany . "I wonder if we'll ever find out," said Jane. "Every one of us has a motive." 


	2. Default Chapter Title

"Who Shot Principal Li? Part 2"by Danny Bronsteintrotsky@loop.com 

THURSDAY 

In Lawndale, it was not usual for those sexist pigs at the police precinct to send two women to investigate an attempted homicide, especially when it would have seemed a lot more practical to pull a couple of officers off of riot control a block away (all looting had ceased once electrical power was restored). But it was well known among the entire Lawndale Police Department that no male officer would get anywhere near Mrs. Janet Barch. Everybody knew the sad story of Robert Jones, the investigating officer in the torching of Mr. Peter Barch's BMW. Mrs. Barch was the prime suspect in the case, and although the exact details of the interrogation were unknown, afterwards Jones had quit the force and hightailed it out of town. Rumor had it that Jones was now working as a nightwatchman at a cornfield by the interstate, vowing never to return to Lawndale until "that emasculating bitch is six feet under." No male officer wanted to suffer the fate of Officer Robert Jones. And that was how Officers Melinda Hadley and Denise Riker got pulled off their usual job-- vice squad-- and sent to answer the 911 call over at the high school. They pulled up in their squad car, accompanied by an ambulance, which put the unconscious Principal Li on a stretcher and carted her away to Lawndale General Hospital. Hadley was in her late twenties, tall, with blonde hair. Riker was in her early thirties, slightly shorter than Hadley, black, with curly brown hair. "Who should we talk to first?" said Riker. "How about that guy?" said Hadley, pointing to Mack. Riker scowled. "Hey, it's you versus statistics, my friend," Hadley continued. But Mack vehemently denied shooting the principal. As he spoke, Kevin walked by and said, "Oooh, busted, Mack Daddy!" "But if that guy winds up a chalk outline," Mack said, "guilty as charged." 

"I don't really know how it happened," said Mr. O'Neill, who was on the verge of tears. "I mean, we were all mad at her, but I didn't expect anyone to actually--" just then he couldn't hold back any longer and started the waterworks. "There there," said Hadley, giving him a hug and patting him on the back. "Did Ms. Li have any enemies in particular? Anyone who actually threatened her?" Riker said to Mr. DeMartino. "I don't THINK so," he replied. "Do you know of anyone who might have brought a firearm to school?" "A bunch of us BOUGHT guns from that GUN SHOW two blocks from here. I got MINE right here," DeMartino said, patting his hip. "Gun show?" 

"Hey, hey, you people have no right to hassle me," said Jimbo Kearns, who was closing shop and about to hit the road. "We have every right to hassle you," said Hadley. "Did you or did you not sell firearms to high schoolers?" "Damn right I did, and I sold out in five minutes. And you can't arrest us." "Why the hell not?" said Riker. "MMwe have a permit," said Ned. "Yeah," said Jimbo, handing the cops a sheet of lined writing paper. On the paper was written, in pencil: LISENSE TO SELL GUNS. SIGNED, GOVNER OF STATE. "See? It's perfectly legal to sell guns to high schoolers in this state." The cops looked at Jimbo skeptically. "Cuff 'em," said Hadley. "Book 'em," said Riker. "Damn. It always used to work on Barbrady," said Jimbo to Ned in the squad car. 

Returning to the scene, the cops questioned a few more people. "Naw, I didn't shoot her," said Ms. Barch. "I mean, if she was a MAN, maybe. I'll bet the shooter was a man. Men are the cause of all the world's problems. Mark my words, don't ever get married. You aren't married, are you?" Hadley admitted that she wasn't. "Good. Hey, I notice they sent women to investigate. That's progress. I always thought they put all the women on the vice squad." "That's not true," said Hadley. 

Meanwhile, at the police station, the female officers, all of them dressed like hookers, gathered together. It was time to hit the streets again. "Hey, where's Hadley and Riker?" said one. "I hear they were sent to check out that shooting over at LHS," said another. "Heh, lucky them. Hey, you think we'll run into that Ruttheimer kid again?" "Nah, I think he learned his lesson after the fifth bust." 

"Daria! Hey, Daria, where are you?" said Jane, calling for her friend amongst the crowd gathered at the scene. Jane and Daria had separated in the auditorium and Jane had not seen her since. "Hey Quinn, have you seen Daria?" "Like, how the hell should I know where she is? You should know, you're around her all the time," Quinn replied. "Never mind," Jane said and continued walking. "Like, who's Daria?" said Sandi. "You know, my weird cousin," said Quinn. "Whoa. She has a NAME??" said Tiffany. 

At Lawndale General Hospital, Angela Li was placed on life support. She was comatose, but the doctors said she was in stable condition and should recover. Hadley looked over her file. "Angela Li, age 51, born in San Francisco, CA, eighth child and only daughter of Soon-Hak "Bud" Li, store owner, and Jennifer Li, schoolteacher. Graduated from University of Washington with an MA in teaching and a minor in military history. 1976 Olympic Bronze Medal Champion in javelin, shot putt and hammer throw. Was a history teacher for seven years and an administrator for four at the Croydon Juvenile Detention Facility for Young Women. Became administrator for Lawndale High in 1994 after previous administrator resigned." "So I take it we have no definite suspects." "Nope. Just about every student and faculty member was carrying a gun, and they all had a reason." "And we found no DNA at all." "Nope." Riker frowned. "There's got to be a way to find out who did this. I'll bet someone knows something but isn't telling." "We should send in Dylan." "Dylan?" "Dylan." Riker looked at Hadley skeptically. "Dylan's a narc." "Yes, but DylanÕs sixteen," said Hadley. "Ohhh," said Riker, suddenly understanding. 

Daria's phone rang later that night. "Hello?" "Daria! Jesus, where the hell were you?" Jane said over the phone. "Trent and I were looking everywhere for you!" "I went home, Jane. Wait... Trent was looking for me?" "Yeah... Any reason you care?" Jane said slyly. "No." "Suuure... Anyway, did you hear what happened to Ms. Li?" "Someone shot her." "Yeah!" "Quinn told me. Weird, huh?" "Tell me about it." "She kind of had it coming, if you think about it." "Any idea who did it?" "Probably that kid we see around school all the time." "Which kid?" "You know, the one with the fake arm?" "Ohh yeah, that kid," said Jane jokingly. "Seriously, I don't know. Hell, it could be you." "Or you." "Sh'yeah. Imagine that," said Daria. 

FRIDAY 

"I can't believe we don't have a free day today," said Daria, approaching the school with Jane. "Someone's been shot. I'd think everyone would be a bit edgy to concentrate on school." "Hey, this is Lawndale High we're talking about," Jane replied. "They wouldn't cancel school if the pool blew up and the bulletproof skylights were destroyed." "I see. Hey, who's that? I haven't seen him around before." Daria and Jane's attention focused on a medium-height boy with black wavy hair and dark eyes. He wore a green hooded sweatshirt, beige khakis and brown hiking sneakers, which he was kneeling down and tying. "Boy, if that's a new student, he sure picked a strange time to enroll," Jane said. 

Dylan had been assigned to Lawndale High at relatively short notice, with an assignment that was different from his previous ones: rather than sniffing out drug dealers, like he usually did, all he had to do was observe people talking and point out anyone who might be hiding something. Seemed easy enough; if there was one thing Dylan was good at, it was observing. As he finished tying his shoes, he looked up and saw two girls looking at him from across the street. The one on the left had short black hair and three earrings on each ear, and wore a red shirt with a black V-neck shirt under it, dark gray shorts, black leggings, and rather imposing Doc Marten boots. The one on the right had shoulder-length brown hair and no piercings (at least none he could see), and wore large eyeglasses, a green jacket with a brown shirt under it, a black skirt and, like her friend, big Doc Martens. He waved and they waved back. Interesting girls, they: he wondered whether the one on the left smoked marijuana. As for the one on the right, he didn't know whether she used anything, but he was familiar with that drug pamphlet... He was distracted by a kid who came up to him and asked if he could bum a cigarette. "Sure," said Dylan, lifting up his right pants leg and revealing ten cigarettes which were duct-taped to his leg. "Here you go," he said, pulling one out. "Uh, thanks," the kid said awkwardly, and walked away. "What the hell?" said Daria, observing the exchange. "I think he's a narc," Jane replied. "Hmm. Wonder where he keeps his beer." 

At the entrance to the school, several cops (female, of course) stood with metal detectors and large laundry bins, the purpose of which was to confiscate all firearms that were being brought into the school. The students walking in mostly complied with them, except for one particular kid, a jittery fellow who wore army fatigues and whose blond hair spiked out in all directions. "This is BULLSHIT, man! I didn't do NUTHIN', man!" he yelled. "Just DO it, Lewis," said Mr. De Martino. "These people aren't kidding. BELIEVE me, I KNOW." Lewis sighed and dropped his handgun in the bin. "EVERYTHING, Lewis," said Mr. DeMartino. "This SUCKS, man!" said Lewis, pulling out his other handgun and dropping it in the bin. "AND the ammo belt," said Mr. DeMartino. Lewis reluctantly removed the ammo belt from under his shirt. "AND the Swiss army knife." Groaning, Lewis reached into his combat boots and took out his knife. "Is that all?" said the officer. Lewis nervously scratched the back of his head. "Uh, yeah, man." The cop could tell that he was lying. "Agent Hurly!" Agent Hurly (from "Beavis and Butt-head Do America") put on her rubber glove. 

"Good morning, students of Lawndale High," said Mr. O'Neill over the public address system. "This is Timothy O'Neill, your temporary replacement administrator until Ms. Li recovers. I just wanted to say that... Well, carry on and let's not let yesterday's tragedy get in our way. Remember, though Ms. Li has fallen, the show must go on, and I will do my best to see that the school runs as smoothly as it did before." "They made Mr. O'Neill principal? Why??" said Daria. "I guess he seemed the only choice with the closest thing to sound mental capacity," Jane replied. "Would you rather see DeMartino up there?" "Don't remind me. Still, if he maintained a straight face during that spiel, he deserves an Oscar." Mr. O'Neill continued: "In other news, the school will be dismantling the electric chair today after school, and will be selling the spare parts tomorrow. If anyone would like to assist, sign-up sheets will be put up in the office. Participation is not mandatory, but... ah hell, just try to show up, OK? That is all." "Hmm. Maybe this won't be too bad after all," said Daria. 

The former Fashion Club had assembled in the hallway, including Quinn, whose suspension was revoked by Mr. O'Neill. "So, like, who do you think shot the principal?" said Stacy. "I don't know," said Quinn. "I was kind of tempted to do it after I bought that gun, but like, then I thought that getting blood on my clothes would be way gross. Plus the gun TOTALLY clashed with my nail color." "You know who I think did it?" said Sandi. "I think it was Quinn's weird cousin." "Really? Daria? You think it was Daria?" said Quinn, who had never really thought of Daria as capable of murder. "Like, yeah. She's like really freaky," said Tiffany. "Like, remember when you showed us her room?" "It had all those skeleton pictures! Ugh!" Stacy said. "Wow, what if you're right?" Quinn said. "I have a killer living in my own house!" For Dylan, being nearby during this conversation was like striking gold. "Who's Daria?" he said, joining in. "That's like, Quinn here's weird cousin, or something," said Sandi. "She's a real psycho," said Tiffany. "Like, who are you? We haven't seen you around," said Sandi. "Uh, I'm Dylan. I'm new here." "Well, we're the Fashion Club. Or were until the stupid principal cut its funding. I'm Sandi, and this is Stacy, Tiffany and--" "Quinn," interrupted the perky redhead, jumping in. "I'm Quinn." She held out her hand. Dylan shook it. Quinn almost melted at Dylan's touch. She got lightheaded at the sight of this cute guy whose dark hair fell over his eyes and who had a name just like the 90210 character. That old familiar song started in her head, the one that happened whenever she fell in love. "Everybody, yeeeah/ Rock yo' body, yeeeah/ Everybody, rock yo' body right/ Backstreet's back, all right!" "Like, only someone like Quinn would fantasize to the Backstreet Boys!" said Sandi. Quinn didn't care. "Here's my card. Call me," she said, handing Dylan her personalized business card. "Uh, thanks," he said aloofly. 

It didn't take long for Sandi's suspicion of Daria to turn into a rumor and spread like wildfire around the school. Following this lead, Dylan set out asking people about this Daria girl. "Oh yeah, she's in 4 of my classes," Kevin Thompson said. "She's smart, but really gloomy. Like, when Tommy Sherman died, everyone wanted advice from her, because she's obsessed with death and stuff." Brittany Taylor, still wearing an eye patch, said, "She's sooo smart! But... she's always moody about something, and she's always thinking about death and bad stuff. And she never smiles." Ted DeWitt-Clinton said, "I went out on a date with her once. She's really good at video games. And she's into Francisco Goya. Just like me! Want some gum?" Andrea Hecuba said, "Daria? Yeah, I see her around sometimes. Gloomy chick. I wonder if she takes Prozac, like me." Mr. O'Neill said, "Daria's one of my brightest students. But she's so negative about everything, and she's obsessed with the dark side. She did pass my self-esteem class in only a week, though." Joey, Jeffy and Jamie said, "I think she's Quinn's weird cousin or something. What a freak. I can't believe she could be related to someone like Quinn. Quinn is a goddess!" Mr. DeMartino said, "DARIA is one of my BEST students. ALWAYS has the answer to EVERYTHING. She and I THINK a lot alike. You got a PROBLEM with that?" Charles Ruttheimer said, "Daria's my girlfriend. Or at least she will be soon. She's feisty!" Jodie Landon, while playing Daria's Game Boy, said, "Daria Morgendorffer? Oh yeah, she's nice but weird. You might want to ask Jane Lane. She's Daria's best friend. Aw, man, you made me lose! Get away from me!" Jane Lane said, "What the hell do you want, narc? Get out of here!," causing Dylan to run. No one had ever pointed him out as a narc before. Ms. Barch said, "Get the hell away from me, you wretched man!" Dylan ran like hell. Why didn't the Lawndale cops tell him about that woman? Lewis said about Daria, "My kind of girl." 

As Daria walked down the hallway after school, everyone stepped back as she approached, or looked warily at her. She came up to Jane. "Jane, why is everyone avoiding me?" "They're avoiding you?" replied Jane. "I haven't noticed." "Everyone's acting really nervous around me." "People are always nervous around you. They're nervous around me too." "This is different. Every time I tried to talk to someone today they just mumbled something and ran. In math class I raised my hand and everyone ducked under the table. What's going on?" "I don't know, Daria." "Oh. Well, you want to come to my house and watch TV?" "Nah, I was planning on going running." "Maybe later?" "I don't know. It's going to be a long run." Daria frowned. She'd heard that excuse before. Something was going on. "By the way," said Jane, "the narc was asking about you." The narc? thought Daria. 

Daria walked into the bathroom and into a stall. After she was out of view, Stacy and Quinn walked into the bathroom and stood in front of the mirror, putting on makeup. "God," said Quinn. "I wonder what could have made my cousin threaten Ms. Li with a knife." "She threatened Ms. Li with a knife?" replied Sandi. "Yeah. At least that's what Cindy said she heard Brenda say, who heard it from Doug, who heard it from Phil, who heard it from his girlfriend's sister." "Maybe she went insane after her parents went to jail. I'm glad I don't live in a room with padded walls. I'll bet she hears the walls talk during the night." "Spooky," said Quinn. After Quinn and Sandi left, Daria came out of the stall, angry and hurt. 

Dylan, Hadley and Riker watched the videotape of the faculty parking lot. All it showed was a quick frame of a gunshot in total blackness, then Principal Li's body after the power came back on. No shots of anyone holding the gun. No shots of anyone running away. "Damn," said Riker. "I think I did come upon a potential suspect," said Dylan. "Who?" said Hadley. "Her name is Daria Morgendorffer, age 16, sophomore. Described by classmates and faculty as moody and obsessed with death. She failed Dr. Margaret Manson's psychological exam and had to take a self-esteem improvement class. I also found out that she and the principal didn't get along. She got in big trouble for vandalizing an art exhibit that Ms. Li wanted to show, and she clashed with the principal on some ethics issue involving a fundraiser. Oh, and the school gun nut seems to have a thing for her." "Did you speak with anyone close to her?" "Well, I tried speaking to her friend Jane Lane, but didn't find anything out. On a related note, we might want to check out Miss Lane's brother Trent Lane, age 21, unemployed musician. He's got a small rap sheet for shoplifting at bookstores and loitering." "Anyone else?" "Well, her cousin Quinn asked me out on a date." "Great. Go with that. Find out what you know." "Hey, hey, hey!" Dylan protested. "I didn't say I'd actually go out with her. This girl is shallow!" "Come on, Dylan," said Riker. "This could be the lead we're looking for." "Okay," he replied. "But if she gets hurt thanks to anything I do, I'm taking you down with me." 

Daria called Jane on the phone. "Funny thing, Jane," said Daria. "Everyone at school seems to think I shot Principal Li." "Hmm. Must be the reason they're avoiding you," Jane replied. "Yeah. You... wouldn't happen to know anything about it, would you?" "Like what?" "Like... why you were avoiding me too?" "I wasn't avoiding you." "You used your 'running' excuse. Remember?" "Oh, well EXCUSE me for wanting a little time to myself." "Sorry," said Daria. ÒIt's just that... well, I had the feeling you thought I shot her too. You don't think I shot her, do you?" Silence. "Do you?" said Daria. "Oh my God! You do, don't you?" "Well... let's face it, Daria. You did suggest that someone should do it." "I also said that I'm not the killing type." "That could mean anything. Plus you do have some of the characteristics of someone who is. You know, quiet loner, keeps to herself, that sort of thing. And where were you when she was shot? It IS a bit suspicious that you just suddenly disappeared, or as you said, 'went home.'" "I don't believe this!" said Daria. "Look, I'm sorry," said Jane. "I'm not saying you did do it, but at the moment I'm not totally sure you didn't." "I just don't know who to be mad at right now," said Daria. "Everyone for believing that I tried to shoot her, or you for being so gullible as to believe right along with them." "Daria, I--" Too late, as Daria hung up the phone. 

Daria came down to the dinner table, and noticed that her parents and sister were grinning nervously. It took her five seconds to figure it out. "Hi Mom, hi Dad." scowling: "Hey, Quinn." "Hi sweetie," said Helen. "How was your day?" said Jake. "Fine. Thanks for asking," said Daria. She sat down to eat her lasagna. "Where's my knife and fork?" "Daria honey, is everything OK?" said Helen. "If you're having any problems, you know your dear ol' dad is always here for you," said Jake. "I didn't shoot the principal," said Daria. "Of course not, honey," said Jake. "What on Earth would make us think that?" said Helen. "Nor did I threaten her with a knife. Or try to drown her in the girls' bathroom." Scowling at Quinn again: "Or go insane after my biological parents went to jail." "Of course you didn't," Quinn said shakily. "And why would you? Your biological parents are right here and I'm your sister and--" "Spare it, Quinn. Look, I can see a bunch of shallow teenagers thinking I'm the one who shot the principal, but my own mom and dad? I think I'm going to eat in my room, where there are people who trust me." Daria picked up her plate and left. "Biological parents?" Helen asked Quinn, who grinned even more sheepishly. 

SATURDAY 

At 8 o'clock Saturday night the doorbell rang, and Jake answered. It was Dylan. "Quinn! Your date is here!" called Jake. Hmm, Quinn must do this thing on a daily basis, thought Dylan. "Have a seat, Dylan my man," said Jake. Dylan sat down on the couch. Jake continued: "How's it hangin'? Do you and Quinn share any classes?" Uh oh, thought Dylan. Her dad's trying to bond with me. A common scenario in a household where the father is the only member who pees standing up. "Uh, yeah. English." "With Mr. O'Neill," said Jake. "Yeah, Quinn's not doing too well in that class. If she would only apply herself more. Now, my other daughter, Daria, she's doing really well in that class. But Mr. O'Neill always complains that Daria's attitude is pessimistic. I guess some men can never be satisfied. Kind of like my dad. Nothing I ever did could satisfy my dad. Lousy bastard ruined my life, he did. Like, there was this time--" "Do you have anything to drink?" interrupted Dylan. "Sure. I'll go get you a Coke." Jake got up and went to the kitchen. Whew, thought Dylan. Wait a minute! Did he say "other daughter"? Just then Daria entered the living room. "Hey," said Daria. "Hey," said Dylan. "You're... Quinn's cousin, right?" "Whatever floats your boat, narc." That stopped Dylan in his tracks. "I'll see you around," she said and left. "Right," said Dylan. "Hey Dylan!" said Quinn, coming down the stairs. "Hey," said Dylan. "You look-- (Beautiful? Gorgeous? Trying too hard?) Nice." "Thanks!" said Quinn. "Like my shoes? I think they match the color of your eyes perfectly." "Uh, yeah. Very clever," he said, looking down at her black pumps. "So where do you want to go?" "How about Chez Pierre?" "Don't you need a reservation?" "Already taken care of," said Quinn. "Let's go." 

"Bonjour, Madame Quinn," said the maitre'd as Quinn and Dylan entered Chez Pierre. "Shall I get you the usual table?" "Oui, Jacques," replied Quinn. "Right this way." Quinn and Dylan followed him. "Bonjour, Quinn," said a waiter. "Bonjour," she replied. "Bonjour, Quinn," said another waiter. "Bonjour," she replied again. Five other waiters and four patrons greeted Quinn as they walked to their table. Quinn and Dylan sat down at their table and opened their menus. Dylan had to keep himself from gagging when he took one look at the prices. And what was up with all the forks? "So," said Quinn. "So," said Dylan. "I got a really cute story to tell you." "Go ahead," said Dylan. "Well, just last week, Sandi, Stacy, Tiffany and I were sitting at our table during lunch talking about the difference between afternoon sky blue nail decals and later-in-the-afternoon sky blue nail decals with the cute little dolphins on them, and Stacy brought up the subject of expanding our club. So then SANDI goes, why would we want to expand our club? And so then I say..." 

Meanwhile, Hadley and Riker came to the Lane house and knocked on the door. Jane opened. "Trent! It's for you!" she yelled right away. The cops found Trent with his band, practicing in the basement with some of their old instruments. "Shoot her?" said Jesse. "Nah, it was tempting, but we're not the ones who did it." "We're musicians," said Trent. "We keep the subject of death to the songs we write." "Well, from what we've been hearing, you blame Ms. Li for the destruction of your new instruments," said Riker. "Are you sure you harbor no murderous feelings whatsoever for that woman?" "Oh, hell, you bet we've got murderous feelings," replied Trent. "But we decided to take our revenge by writing a song about her. Want to hear it?" "Let's hear it," said Hadley. Trent began: "OK everyone! Ready? One, two, three, four..." 

Hey Angela Li, You fill our lives with misery, You're the portrait of insanity, That's why we hope you DIIIIIIIIIIIIE!!!! 

Well you played us for fools with your confining rules, So someone took a gun and BLEW YOU AWAY, Someone pumped you full of lead, now you're hanging by a thread, And before you wind up dead here's what we have to say. 

(loud thrashing part) WE HOPE YOU BURN IN HELL! WE HOPE YOU BURN IN HELL! WE HOPE YOU BURN IN HELL! WE HOPE... YOU... BURN... IN... HELL! YOU SUCK, PRINCIPAL LI! 

"Well, what do you think?" said Trent. "Uh, it's... nice," said Riker. "We have some other songs," said Trent. "Want to hear them?" "No thanks," said Hadley. "We gotta go," said Riker. "Maybe some other time. See ya," said Hadley. The two cops ran up the stairs and out the door. "That went pretty well," said Jesse. "Yeah," said Trent. "But next time I should sing it with more feeling." 

Back at Chez Pierre, one hour later, after Quinn and Dylan were halfway done eating, Quinn was still telling her story. "...So we decided that even though Michelle and Cynthia were pretty fashion-conscious and had no facial imperfections, we'd best keep the club exclusive and deny them membership, since what the club is really all about is being looked up to by everyone else, and six people just makes it way too crowded. Right?" Dylan, suddenly noticing that Quinn had stopped talking, looked up from his food. "Oh, uh, yeah. Totally." Great. An hour and a half with this girl and Daria hadn't even come up in the conversation. Now was his chance. "So tell me about this Daria chick." "What do you want to know?" "Is she really as psychotic as everyone says she is?" "She's a total weirdo, let me put it to you like that. She lives in a room with padded walls and pictures of skeletons, she has, like, almost no friends, she's really mean and antisocial, and she loves to embarrass me and make my life a living hell." "Do you think she shot the principal?" "I don't see why not. Wait a minute: Why are you so interested in my... cousin?" "What do you mean?" "I know what it is! Oh, I knew it! Those boots make her legs look hot, don't they? "I don't know what you're--" "Look, I know her legs are hot, but mine are too! You have to believe me! My legs are cute, OK?" Her shrill voice when she said this caused heads to turn. "I'm not interested in Daria," Dylan said. "I was just curious. But there is one thing I'm wondering about." "What?" "Is she really your cousin?" "Yeah! What else would she be?" "Are you sure?" He took hold of her hand and looked into her eyes. "You can tell me. I won't tell anyone." "Well..." Melting: "She's kinda, sorta, in a way, my sister, to tell you the truth." Frantic: "But don't tell my friends! If you do, I'll kill you, I swear!" "Hey, don't worry. Your secret's safe with me. But I wouldn't worry about your friends." "Why not?" "Because I get the feeling they're not really your friends. Especially that Sandi chick. She seems like what the Indians call 'Doe who rams you when your back is turned.'" "What do you mean?" 

SUNDAY 

The next day, it was decided that Daria Morgendorffer would be brought in for questioning. She was taken to the interrogation room, consisting of a chair in front of a panel of five officers. She sat in the chair and crossed her legs. "Ms. Morgendorffer," said one of the officers. "I would like you to explain your relationship with Angela Li." "She's the principal of my high school." "Do the two of you have an adverse relationship?" "She doesn't like me, and I don't like her." "Why don't you like her?" "She's controlling." "And why doesn't she like you?" "I'm hard to control." Just then Dylan entered the room. "Dylan!" said Daria. "Aren't you supposed to be pretending to be a regular kid?" "Hey, you seem to already know the truth about me, so why bother pretending around you?" Dylan replied. "Good point." "Did you threaten her?" the officer continued. "No. That's just a rumor the popular kids invented. Dylan, you were there when Quinn and her friends started the rumor." "Why would they think you did it?" said the officer. "Because I'm different, OK? Everyone at school is really chipper all the time, so they see me, the girl who never smiles, and assume that I'm some psycho. Then something bad happens, and they point to me because they associate my personality with those of serial killers. And I don't blame them: I am really quiet and pessimistic. But I guess that's working against me now, since everyone, including my best friend, is accusing me of something I didn't do. And the irony is that even if I did shoot the principal, what was my motive? Think about it. I'm not involved in anything at my school. I'm in no clubs, sports or anything. I go straight home after class. So when the budget cuts happened and things were taken away, other people were way more affected by it than me." "Is it true that the walls in your room are padded?" "They were like that when I got there. I like the design." Daria recrossed her legs. The officers gawked. "I'm wearing underwear, OK?" said Daria. "I'm not Sharon Stone or Brittany." "We know," said Dylan. 

Dylan caught up with Daria as she walked out of the police station. "You know I'm gonna nail ya if you're lying," he said. "Nah," Daria replied. "You're just going to fall in love with me." "Oh, I already like you," said Dylan. "But I'll nail ya anyway." "I thought you like Quinn." "Your sister? Nah, she's shallow and superficial. I was just using her to find out more about you." "You got her to admit she's my sister?" "Yep." "Without giving yourself away?" "Yep." "Damn you're good." "As are you." "I'll see ya around, narc." "Later." As Daria and Dylan parted ways, neither of them noticed Quinn spying on them from across the street. What was a cute guy like her Dylan doing hanging around a loser like Daria? Quinn decided to follow Dylan and see what he was up to. 

Dylan headed for Lawndale General Hospital, to Angela Li's room, and met with Hadley and Riker. "I'm beginning to doubt this Daria chick," said Dylan. "I think she's just misunderstood." Hadley frowned. "Damn. We're stuck with no leads again." "Ms. Li hasn't awakened yet?" Dylan said. "Nope," said Riker. Just then Li stirred. The three cops turned toward her. She slowly opened her eyes, clenched her fist, and said, in a raspy, angry voice, "Daria." "Did she say Daria?" said Dylan. "Daria," said Li again. "Let's roll," said Hadley. Quinn ran off before the cops could exit the room and notice her eavesdropping. 

Dylan a cop? Daria the shooter after all? Oh, this was too good! Quinn got on a pay phone and called Sandi right away with the news. Sandi, in turn, called Tiffany, Tiffany called Stacy, Stacy called Ted (who had a cellular phone without his parents knowing), Ted called Joey, Joey called Jeffy, Jeffy called Jamie, Jamie called Upchuck, Upchuck called Brittany, Brittany called Kevin, Kevin called Mack, Mack called Jodie, and Jodie called Jane, who didnÕt take the news well. 

Daria was still walking home when TrentÕs car pulled up beside her. Jane was in the car with Trent. ÒDaria! YouÕre in big trouble! Get in!Ó Jane yelled. ÒWhy in the hell should I trust you?Ó Daria replied. ÒYou think IÕm as guilty as everyone else does.Ó ÒThatÕs true,Ó said Jane, ÒBut IÕll be damned if I watch you go to jail for what you did. Now are you gonna get in and let us save you or not?Ó ÒHell, I guess.Ó ÒGreat! You can sit up front with Trent!Ó ÒJane, this is neither the time nor the place,Ó said Daria. 

After going to the Morgendorffer house and finding Daria missing, Dylan rallied up the troops. ÒOK everyone, we have our shooter,Ó he said. ÒWhat I want out of each and every one of you is a hard-target search of every bookstore, art movie theater, pizza parlor, library, video arcade, army surplus store, and doodad shop in this area.Ó The cops looked at him skeptically. ÒJust stating the obvious,Ó he said. ÒWork with me, people! Come on, letÕs move, move, move!Ó 

Fifteen minutes later, Trent heard sirens. ÒTheyÕre on to us!Ó yelled Jane, who was riding shotgun. ÒGun it, Trent!Ó Trent gunned the accelerator and headed onto the freeway. ÒCanÕt this thing go any faster?Ó asked Jane. ÒCut me some slack, Jane! ItÕs an old car!Ó Trent replied. ÒWell maybe if you had gotten a job instead of laying around sixteen hours a day, you could have bought a new car that would have helped us at a time like this!Ó ÒMan, I have to hear that shit from Mom every day! Not you too!Ó 

The freeway was closed off as the cops chased TrentÕs Plymouth Valiant, keeping a safe distance behind. As the cavalcade went under a bridge, a crowd gathered on the bridge and cheered them on. Helen and Jake were sitting in the car Hadley was driving. ÒItÕs all my fault,Ó Helen said. ÒI knew I wasnÕt spending enough time with Daria. Now sheÕs a career criminal, too late to be saved. Another tragedy of underparenting.Ó ÒYou shouldnÕt blame yourself, Mrs. Morgendorffer,Ó said Hadley. ÒThe amount of parenting you do doesnÕt always determine your childÕs lifepath. IÕve known lots of people who had strong parental role models but who didnÕt turn out right. Like, when I lived in Texas I used to go to school with this kid. Lived in a nice house in the suburbs, seemed to come from a good family, you know the story. Well, that kid grew up to be Vanilla Ice. How do you like them apples?Ó ÒThanks, Officer Hadley. I feel a lot better now,Ó said Helen. ÒDidnÕt Vanilla Ice grow up on the streets? And isnÕt he a really popular singer?Ó Jake said. ÒJake, heÕs a has-been poseur who lied about his past. Get a clue,Ó said Helen. ÒOh. OK.Ó 

Meanwhile, Quinn was riding shotgun in DylanÕs car. ÒSo,Ó said Quinn. ÒYouÕre a cop and you never told me.Ó ÒThat would have involved blowing my cover,Ó said Dylan. ÒI wonder what else youÕre hiding from me. I bet your name isnÕt even Dylan.Ó ÒNo, it is.Ó ÒOh yeah? Well, do you have a last name?Ó ÒYeah. Dillon.Ó Quinn practically cracked up. ÒDylan Dillon? ThatÕs the stupidest name I ever heard!Ó ÒOh yeah? What kind of a name is Quinn anyway? I used to know a GUY by that name.Ó ÒYou take that back!Ó ÒWhat? ItÕs true!Ó ÒMy name is not... unisex! Is not, is not, is not!Ó ÒOK, fine, whatever.Ó They drove in silence for a while. ÒDylan?Ó said Quinn. ÒWhat did you mean by what you said about Sandi yesterday?Ó ÒI meant that sheÕs the kind of girl whoÕll stab you in the back some day. You should be careful. Learn to think for yourself.Ó ÒThink... for... myself. What a novel idea! I wonder what it means.Ó Oh brother, thought Dylan. 

Just when Daria and the Lane siblings thought they were going to get away, they saw a bunch of police cars coming toward them. They were trapped! ÒAw, man, the jig is up!Ó said Trent. ÒIÕm sorry, man.Ó ÒItÕs OK, Trent. You did your best.Ó The cops got out of their cars and pointed their guns at the trio. ÒCome out with your hands up!Ó Dylan yelled. Trent, Jane and Daria came out. ÒI didnÕt shoot the principal!Ó Daria said. ÒI donÕt care!Ó Dylan replied. ÒWhatÕs that supposed to mean?Ó Daria said. ÒUmm... I have no idea, really. But we all know you did it.Ó ÒNo I didnÕt!Ó Daria said. ÒSheÕs right,Ó said a voice. ÒIt was me.Ó Everyone turned and saw the sorry, repentant face of Stacy Nibblett. ÒStacy? You? Why?Ó said an astonished Quinn. ÒI thought it would make me popular,Ó said Stacy. ÒBut you already are popular,Ó said Quinn. ÒIÕm not popular,Ó Stacy replied. ÒIÕm the tag-along to the popular girls. You, Tiffany and Sandi are popular. The only reason IÕm even in the Fashion Club is because SandiÕs known me since the first grade. But without the Fashion Club, IÕd be no one. So when everyone started to get mad at Ms. Li and wanted to kill her, I thought that if I was the one who did it, everyone would think I was really cool and actually start to notice me. But instead everyone was, like, really horrified and so I decided to keep quiet about it. But then Daria started to take the fall, and I just couldnÕt let that happen, even if DariaÕs a total nobody whom no one cares about. DariaÕs innocent. IÕm the one you want.Ó Stacy was handcuffed and placed in HadleyÕs squad car. DariaÕs family, Jane, Trent, and Dylan all gathered around Daria. ÒWell Daria, I guess we all owe you an apology,Ó said Dylan. ÒYeah, sorry for all the rumors we started,Ó said Quinn. ÒDeep inside, we knew you couldnÕt have done it, right Jake?Ó said Helen. ÒEr, right, honey,Ó Jake replied. ÒYouÕre just not the killing type,Ó said Jane. ÒThanks, guys,Ó said Daria. ÒNow letÕs all go home.Ó Everyone agreed and went to the respective vehicles they came in. No one noticed the brief smirk on DariaÕs face as she thought of JaneÕs remark. 

EPILOGUE 

Doctors at the Lawndale General Hospital reported that Angela Li was in a state of delirium upon awakening from her coma and was listing the names of people she despised. In addition to Daria, Li had mentioned Jane Lane, Bill Clinton and Howard Stern. Ms. Li had fully recovered the following Wednesday and was able to return to work. 

Timothy OÕNeillÕs selling of the parts of Ms. LiÕs electric chair, as well as the fireplace in her office, was successful in recouping much of the money lost in LiÕs frivolous spending. When Li returned to work and learned of the changes, she threw a fit, but later learned that she could do nothing about it, as she was now under close surveillance by the school board. She was to report all financial transactions to them, so that a budgetary disaster like the electric chair would never happen again. 

With the schoolÕs money back, extracurricular activities were reinstated, the school had a yearbook again, the sports event bus was returned, and Claire Defoe got her job back. Jodie Landon broke out of her trance and gave Daria back her Game Boy. She wanted to return the Nintendo 64 she shoplifted, but her sister Rachel was determined not to let that happen. 

With his work in Lawndale done, Dylan Dillon was ready to go back to being a narcotics officer in the next school where he was needed. Before he left, Quinn asked him if he thought she was cute. Dylan replied that she was really shallow and a total airhead, but yeah, she was pretty hot. Quinn took this as a compliment. 

Melinda Hadley and Denise Riker never had to work Vice Squad again, because after the case was over, they brought Janet Barch down to the station, where she gave the police chief a piece of her mind. The terrified police chief agreed to vary the departments that his female officers were in. 

After the funeral of her mother, Marianne Jacobs returned to work and everything in Helen MorgendorfferÕs office was relatively back to normal. On the behest of her daughter Daria, Helen represented Trent Lane in suing the bastard who rear-ended the Tank. Trent was awarded $2,000, which the band spent on new instruments. 

Jake MorgendorfferÕs office also returned to normal, and the nationÕs #3 snack food company did eventually call him back. 

Brittany Taylor was no longer required to wear the eye patch, but some swelling remained and Kevin Thompson continued to avoid her. Brittany decided he wasnÕt worth it and started dating someone else, as did Kevin. The new relationships didnÕt work out, and a couple of months later BrittanyÕs swelling was gone and she and Kevin were back together. 

Jimbo Kearns and his partner Ned were reported missing from the Lawndale County Jail. Witnesses claimed to have seen them in a pickup truck headed toward Colorado, driven by a kid sporting army fatigues and spiky blond hair. 

Stacy Nibblett pleaded guilty to the charges of attempted murder, but since the court decided not to try her as an adult, and thanks to favorable testimony from sympathetic faculty members, she was sentenced to 500 hours of community service and three years probation. Ms. Li petitioned for a tougher sentence, but it was denied. Upon returning to school, Stacy achieved notoriety among the students, and thus became so popular that she decided she didnÕt need the Fashion Club anymore. This popularity lasted about a month, after which no one was talking about the shooting anymore. A total nobody again, Stacy slinked back to the safety of Sandi, Quinn and Tiffany. 

The cheese stands alone.----------------------------------------------------------------------- 

Final note: The last names of Stacy and Tiffany, and the first name of Mr. Barch, were made up. I stand corrected when we find out what they really are. AndreaÕs last name, Hecuba, was an assumption based on her Queen Hecuba character in ÒThe Daria Database.Ó My apologies for anything in this story that seemed totally illogical; my knowledge of police investigations are based on what I gleaned from Joseph Wambaugh novels, many of which I never finished reading. Also, I heard several conflicting stories about Vanilla IceÕs past, but I decided to use the one that best fit the situation. Not that anyone cares. I would also like to thank my friend Tom Kacan for various observations he made about teenage narcotics officers that I used in this story, such as the cigarettes-taped-to-the-leg thing. 

Last but not least, I would like to thank everyone who e-mailed me with suggestions for what to put in the story. Suggestions as to who the shooter should be, though, became sort of a process of elimination, as I wanted it to be someone NOBODY expected. Sorry about that. Come on, you didnÕt think that sweet innocent Stacy was capable of it, did you? 


End file.
